


Expiration Date

by stillnotovermylordsixth



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Aki POV, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Dialogue Heavy, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Implied Sexual Content, Introspection, Love, M/M, Memories, argument, mentions of previous relationship with Ugetsu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:29:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24966001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillnotovermylordsixth/pseuds/stillnotovermylordsixth
Summary: Akihiko is forced to grapple with old demons after he realizes his version of happily ever after doesn't align with Haruki's.
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki
Comments: 14
Kudos: 180
Collections: Given Spring Exchange 2020





	Expiration Date

**Author's Note:**

  * For [akikaji (botanicalskeleton)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/botanicalskeleton/gifts).



> Prompt: "I'd like to see anything really between Akihiko and Haruki... I'd like to see a bit more of a storyline, with angst thrown in. (Smut is perfectly fine.)"
> 
> P.S. Haruki's family dynamic is completely made up. I don't remember what his family was actually like in canon, sorry! Also! When I first started writing this I was getting into the lovely manga/show 'What Did You Eat Yesterday?' so if you're familiar with it at all, you'll notice it ;)

From the dining table, Akihiko rests his chin on his hand and observes. 

Haru moves swiftly about the kitchen, donning a red and black striped apron as he chops and mixes and fries. It's a bit mesmerizing, the way he flows from motion to motion like it’s all muscle memory. He hums to himself while he works, making the occasional cute noise that indicates he’s pleased by the way the meal is coming along.

His hair shimmers in the sunlight cast from the windows, tangled golden strands falling softly across his face before he tucks them back behind his ear. 

He adds slices of ham to a sizzling pan, then a couple of eggs, murmuring quiet questions to himself about the state of the ancient jam in their refrigerator. Akihiko watches him take the questionable jam out and inspect it by dipping his pinky into it and bringing it to his mouth. 

After a moment, he smiles and nods to himself, which makes Akihiko smile, too.

Then Haru pours the apricot jam into a small container and sets it beside the toast on the table.

"You're awfully quiet today,” he comments a while later, as he hands Akihiko his complete breakfast plate. “Did you not sleep well?"

"I slept great, actually," Akihiko responds with a smile, which Haru returns.

"Then what is it?" he asks, taking a seat at the table.

"Mm. Thank you for the meal," Akihiko says, digging in to buy himself some time to think about his answer.

Haru nods a little uneasily, pausing to study him before taking a bite of his savory creation.

"Mm! This came out so good!" Haru mumbles in between munches. 

"Mm-hm," Akihiko nods. "I didn't think I'd like basil in my eggs, but I'm impressed by how well it works."

"Try the toast, try the toast!"

Haru signals eagerly to the thick slices of buttered bread in the center of the table.

Akihiko takes one and bites into it, crunchy perfection on the outside while soft and fluffy on the inside. It's delicious, and he lets Haru know with a long, pleased hum.

Haru's eyes glow with excitement. "You like it? I made it from scratch!"

Akihiko pauses, eyes widening. "You made this?"

Haru nods, a broad, expectant smile taking over his face.

"Well," Akihiko says as he chews slowly, drawing his verdict out for the sake of suspense. "If things don't work out with Given, we're gonna have to open a bakery."

Haru laughs and grabs a slice of toast. "I've already got my barista skills, and apparently I make a decent loaf of bread after four or five attempts." He lathers the toast up with apricot jam and lifts a brow at Akihiko. "What are _you_ bringing to the table, hmm?"

"This face," Akihiko says in deadpan while framing his face with his hands. 

Haru snorts out a laugh. "Must be nice to get by on looks alone," he says with a fond smile, and takes a bite of his toast.

Akihiko grins back. "It's _the best_. We'll have my face stamped on everything we sell and make a fortune."

"And we'll both get really fat eating bread every day."

Akihiko shakes his head. 

" _You_ can get fat," he says with mock severity. "As the face of the place, I need to watch my figure."

Haru scoffs. "If I'm getting fat, I'm making sure you do too!"

"I'd make a scary fat man," Akihiko protests in jest. "At least you'd still be cute."

Haru blushes. 

"I would, wouldn't I?" he winks, and Akihiko gives a sage nod. 

There’s no way Haru will ever cease to be cute in his eyes.

After breakfast, they team up to clean even though Akihiko initially planned to do it by himself. 

The easy way they fall into their respective tasks—rinsing and drying dishes—brings a pleasant warmth to his chest. And before he can think too much about it, he voices his feelings.

“I've never felt so at peace before."

Haru’s gaze settles on him for a moment before he responds.

"Maybe dish-washing is your calling."

Akihiko smirks and elbows him.

"I'm serious, you ass."

Haru hip-checks him with a soft laugh.

"Well, good,” he says, eyes bright with mirth. “I’m glad to hear that, Aki."

A gentle silence follows for a moment, and Akihiko looks back down at the dishes he’s rinsing as he gathers enough courage to reveal the conclusion he arrived at while watching Haru cook. The conclusion he was too afraid to mention when Haru asked what was on his mind. 

Akihiko feels like he’ll burst at the seams if he tries to contain the joy in his heart.

"Haru, I don't mean to alarm you, but…” he pauses, worried that perhaps he’s being too forward. But this is his boyfriend he’s addressing, and he knows Haru wouldn’t want it any other way. “I want this… I mean, I want _you_... forever."

From the corner of his eye, he catches the subtle way Haru’s shoulders tense. Then there’s a much less comfortable silence for a few beats before Haru lets out an awkward chuckle.

"Um. But we're not even a quarter-century old, Aki. You already know what you want forever?"

That’s… not what Akihiko was expecting. 

He takes a heavy breath and slowly turns to Haru as a much darker emotion tangles up in his guts.

"You… don’t?"

"No,” Haru says, and his expression softens as he studies Akihiko’s reaction. “How can I?"

"...oh." 

Akihiko’s heart sinks all the way to his feet. 

He feels the sense of peace that had encompassed him only moments ago, evaporate like sweat from his skin. But he says nothing else, and mechanically completes the task at hand, even as the weight of Haru’s gaze burrows into him. 

After he hands Haru the last mug to be dried, he wordlessly heads into their bedroom. He grabs his laptop and wireless headphones, desperate to blast some music and drown out the fresh hurt that’s begun carving new doubts into his chest.

_Haru doesn’t see us lasting._

_He doesn’t want me as much as I want him._

_He’s waiting for someone better to come around._

_How could I not see this before?_

He sits cross-legged on their unmade bed, and lifts the headphones up to his ears when Haru appears by the doorway. Akihiko pointedly ignores him and scrolls through his selection of thrash metal.

From his periphery, he watches Haru cross his arms as he leans his shoulder against the doorframe.

“Can we talk?” he asks quietly.

Akihiko wants to pretend he didn’t hear him. He's reluctant to expose any more of himself while he still feels so raw, and seriously doubts there’s anything Haru can say to ease the sense of rejection that has replaced the serenity in his heart. But he also knows how outrageously childish that would be, and feels a bit ashamed for even considering it. So he does the _adult thing_ and sets the headphones down. 

Haru approaches tentatively and takes a seat beside him on the edge of the bed. When Akihiko doesn’t meet his gaze, he begins.

“I didn’t know you were already thinking along those lines.”

Akihiko forces his face into an impassive mask. "It was stupid of me."

"No, it wasn’t," Haru says, placing a gentle hand on Akihiko's knee.

“You just don’t see this lasting."

"That’s not what I said, Aki,” Haru’s hold drops from Akihiko’s knee to his hand. “That's not it at all. Seriously, I am so happy with you! Happier than I’ve ever been!”

Akihiko lifts his gaze to meet Haru’s. His boyfriend’s expression is complicated: something wonderful at war with something painful.

“This isn't me setting an expiration date on us,” Haru continues. “But as happy as we are right now... life happens. Things we can't even imagine right now. Good and bad. I just… I don't want either of us to feel... _trapped..._ by promises we made before we knew better."

Akihiko is immediately reminded of a bitter comment Haru made when he was invited to his parent’s 25th anniversary dinner a few months earlier. 

_“I don’t know what they’re celebrating. They can’t stand being in the same room together.”_

"Is this... about your parents?" Akihiko asks, keeping his tone as non-abrasive as possible.

Haru pauses, eyes widening fractionally. Then his mouth twitches as he gives a small nod.

"I want to be with someone who makes me happy. Someone I have the ability to make happy, too. I don't want to stay together out of obligation or... comfort... or convenience. I don't want a forever like theirs."

“Who says it will be?”

Haru worries his lip, eyes darting away from Akihiko’s before he replies.

“No one goes into marriage expecting to be miserable.”

That hits close to home for Akihiko. He frowns.

"My parents split up. So I guess they failed at it, too."

"They didn't fail," Haru says with a squeeze of his hand. "They had you. They loved and learned from each other. Grew as people, even if they went their separate ways."

"They outgrew each other, you mean."

"Do you hold that against them?"

 _Yes_ , Akihiko thinks bitterly, but would never say so out loud. His parents have long found significant others who’ve made them happy. And while he’s glad for them, it doesn’t change a simple fact that has haunted him for years.

"I wasn’t enough to keep them together."

As soon as the words leave his lips, his eyes widen. For a moment, Haru’s expression matches his, before it melts into something softer.

"That wasn't your job, Aki."

Akihiko _knows that_ , rationally. But he can’t help the fresh wave of rejection that spreads through his body like gangrene, too putrid and painful to keep to himself.

"Apparently, I’m not good enough for you, either,” he snaps, wrenching free from Haru’s grasp to rise to his feet. “So why the hell am I even here?"

Haru’s eyes grow wide, betraying something akin to horror. His voice wavers slightly as he grabs Akihiko’s elbow.

"Listen to me. It's not about being enough. You are so much more than that! I mean—” he shakes his head, sounding exasperated, desperate. “Surely, you must know that!”

Akihiko looks down at Haru’s hand clutching at his elbow. The grip doesn't feel all that tight, but his knuckles are white. Akihiko peels his fingers off and grabs his headphones again. 

“I thought I did," he says coolly. "But you’re just waiting for the next best thing."

"I am not!"

He brushes past Haru and out the bedroom, unable to watch the desperation in his boyfriend's eyes morph further into pain.

"Aki, wait. Look, I know—I know you're scared of losing this and I'm sorry I can't make any guarantees, but—where are you going?”

Akihiko slips into his shoes at the entrance without glancing back.

"I need to think."

"Aki, please—"

"Just let me be, Haru!"

Akihiko can’t remember the last time he raised his voice like this, and in his mind’s eye, he can see the shock on Haru’s face. But he doesn’t turn back to see how accurate the vision in his mind is because he doesn’t want to feel bad for Haru. Not right now. Not when he’s so close to shattering, himself.

So he leaves the apartment without another word, slipping his headphones on to blast the angriest playlist on his phone as loud as he can handle it.

It helps, and it doesn’t, as he wanders aimlessly around their neighborhood.

What started out as a semi-cloudy, sunny sky soon changes to fit his mood. Dark storm clouds form above him, and somehow that makes him feel validated, like the universe is siding with him on this one.

He told Haru he needed to think, but that doesn’t mean he wants to.

He doesn’t want to think about a future without Haru in it, not after they’ve shared so much vulnerability and laughter and affection with each other.

 _When did Haru become such a pessimist?_ he wonders _. I never thought of him as the type to be afraid of commitment._

_He doesn't trust me. Doesn't trust I won't make him miserable someday._

_How can he think that way, after I've bent over backwards trying to become a better man—trying to build a better future for us?_

Music blares into his ears, loud and vicious, feeding his righteous anger for over an hour.

Then, just as the fury stings at his eyes and threatens to burn a hole in his heart, the next song on his playlist switches to something completely different. It's a violin solo: one of Ugetsu's most popular compositions.

He scoffs.

Ugetsu used to do that—sneak his own music into random spots on Akihiko's playlists—just to piss him off. 

It never did piss Akihiko off. He always loved Ugetsu’s playing, even if he did hold a strange sort of resentment toward him for being so much better at it than he was. If he happened to not be in the mood for it, he’d just skip over it and go back to his playlist.

Akihiko almost skips it this time, too. But it just so happens that the mournful whine of the violin matches his mood as perfectly as the storm brewing overhead, so he lets it play.

Inevitably, he thinks of Ugetsu. 

There was a point in time when Akihiko thought he’d be with him forever, too.

 _But that was different_ , he argues. _I thought I understood him when that wasn't the case at all._

A little voice in the back of his head prods at the fresh wound in his heart.

_You thought you understood Haru, too._

Akihiko bites at his lip ring.

_Is it me, then? Am I doing something wrong?_

His wandering leads him to a nearby park with a small, artificial lake. The park is deserted, no doubt because of the rain threatening to pour at any second, but Akihiko strolls through the trees and over the bridge that connects both sides of the park.

He leans over the stone railing and gazes out over the water. Its gray ripples crash and break against the rocks as Ugetsu’s strings continue to weep in his ears, and suddenly, a memory strikes him like lightning.

They’d been standing at a bridge just like this one watching a cherry blossom blizzard, and Akihiko had been pestering Ugetsu, trying to get a selfie with him.

_“You’re ruining it,” Ugetsu muttered, staring out at the pink layer of floating petals on the water's surface._

_Akihiko scoffed._

_“How am I ruining anything? Hey, look this way,” he said, staring at his phone while trying to capture both of them at the right angle. But Ugetsu didn’t turn. Instead, his shoulders slumped as he leaned over the railing._

_“You’re not even paying attention,” he admonished._

_“Sure I am,” Akihiko lied. “Just look at us, surrounded by nature’s wonders! Now look over here!”_

_“So you saw what that family of ducks did just now?”_

_Akihiko let out an annoyed huff and finally set his phone down before glancing over the railing. But all he saw were three tiny tails disappearing beneath the bridge._

_“What did they do?” he asked, uninterested._

_“I’m not telling you.”_

_Akihiko narrowed his eyes at him. “So why bring it up?”_

_Ugetsu returned his glare. “You're missing the point.”_

_“The point? What are you even talking about?”_

_“Forget it,” Ugetsu sighed, pushing off the railing. “I’m going home.”_

_Akihiko’s temper flared. They’d been having a decent, drama-free date. The first in a long time. Or at least, that’s what he'd thought._

_“Seriously?” he snapped, grabbing Ugetsu’s arm to keep him from turning his back on him. “You’re pissed that I didn't feel like watching a bunch of ducks? They’re_ ducks! _What the hell does it matter if I see them now or a week from now? They’re not going anywhere!”_

_Ugetsu's laugh was hollow as he turned his icy gaze on him._

_“You’re so sure about that, aren’t you?”_

Akihiko holds his breath, eyes widening as he recalls what Haru said earlier.

_I’m sorry I can’t make any guarantees._

_That’s what this is really about,_ he realizes. _I want Haru to guarantee he’ll stay._

That’s why he’s so terrified, drowning in doubt and lashing out at the man he loves. 

Haru has never given him a reason to feel insecure about the stability of their relationship. On the contrary, Akihiko has managed to find peace unlike any other in his presence because he trusts him completely, trusts that Haru would never hurt him intentionally. But the fear of being abandoned by those he loves most continues to simmer deep in Akihiko's mind when he feels like he’s losing control. 

How fair is it of him to expect so much from Haru? Especially when Haru’s parents present such a bleak example of what the future holds after spending it with someone for twenty-five years.

Akihiko can’t blame him for being wary of that kind of life. He wouldn't want that for himself. And Haru deserves nothing but the best.

_I’m nowhere near being the best man I can be._

He realizes now, that easing the fear in his heart isn't something he should burden Haru with. It's something only he can do for himself.

And finally he understands, though he feels so stupid that it took him years to figure it out:

Ugetsu had been angry, but it had nothing to do with the ducks.

He was right. Akihiko hadn’t been paying attention to him or to their crumbling relationship for quite some time. He’d simply figured there’d be endless time to fix the damage later.

But he’d been wrong about that, too.

And here he is, doing it again; wasting the time he should be spending in the company of the man he cherishes most. It’s not like he and Haru have a whole lot of free time to spend together as it is.

He thinks of the perfect breakfast Haru prepared for him, of the silly conversation they had about their hypothetical bakery. He thinks of the gentle but straightforward way Haru addressed his hurt, instead of ignoring and letting it fester like Akihiko did with Ugetsu’s feelings. 

Then he thinks of the hurt in Haru’s eyes, in his voice, when Akihiko threw all that kindness back in his face. 

_What the hell am I doing?_

He shoves away from the railing and races home.

Akihiko is fast, but not fast enough to outrun the storm.

The rain falls cold and merciless on him, drenching his clothes and stinging the exposed skin of his arms and face. In the back of his mind, he wonders if his headphones will survive the downpour, but the real fear lies in what he’ll find when he gets home.

It’s not that he worries Haru will be angry. He wishes that were the case. But Haru has only ever been truly angry at him once, and he is so quick to forgive.

It’s seeing him hurt that scares Akihiko the most. He can’t handle seeing Haru in pain, especially when he’s the one to blame.

So when he reaches the door, he hesitates with his hand on the doorknob.

_What could I possibly say...?_

He doesn’t get much time to think before the door is yanked open from the inside.

“Akihiko? Are you okay?”

Haru's eyes are red and puffy around the edges, and he gazes at Akihiko with such genuine concern that it makes Akihiko’s heart ache.

_God, I am a monster._

Akihiko's apprehension about finding the right words dissipates as he crosses the threshold and pulls Haru into his arms.

“I’m so sorry,” he sighs into his neck. 

Haru makes a soft sound of surprise, his hands landing on Akihiko's shoulder blades. “Aki, you'll catch a cold. Let me get you some dry clothes.” 

Akihiko tightens his arms around him. “I was so unfair to you, imposing my vision for us on you without considering your feelings.”

Haru stiffens for a second. Then, he sighs and wraps his arms around Akihiko's waist.

"You deserve to have your forever, Aki,” he murmurs, the sadness in his voice seeping into Akihiko’s drenched skin. “It's selfish of me to ask you to stay for an unknown future with me."

Akihiko shakes his head. "There’s no one I’d rather face the unknown with, Haru.”

Haru buries his face into his shoulder, so Akihiko continues.

“You were right when you said I’m scared. I’m so scared of losing you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And when you didn't share my idea of forever... it felt like... like it was your first step out the door, y’know?”

Haru nods, and Akihiko waits for him to speak. But Haru only tightens his hold around his waist.

“You’ve never given me a reason to doubt your commitment to us, and I’m sorry I ever questioned it.”

“Idiot,” Haru says with a muffled sniffle.

Akihiko lets out a soft laugh.

“I know.”

He presses a lingering kiss to Haru’s temple and continues.

“I know you’re afraid, too. Staying in a loveless relationship... it poisons you and everyone around you. I don’t want that for either of us, but... you should know by now... I’m bad at letting go, even when I’m miserable.”

Haru nods again, and Akihiko squeezes his eyes shut because the words he’s about to say hurt him in such a visceral, soul-crushing way. But he means every one. 

“If that ever happens to us, Haru... please go. More than anything, I want you to be happy. With or without me.”

Haru takes in a sharp breath and remains quiet for what feels like an eternity. His voice trembles when he finally speaks.

“You—you really mean that?”

Akihiko tries to swallow the knot in his throat.

“Yes.”

There’s a long silence before Haru’s fractured sob breaks it. Akihiko holds his trembling form a little tighter as the tears in his own eyes spill over.

Akihiko takes a deep breath.

“I know I have a history of taking people for granted,” he whispers, lest his voice crack with emotion. “But I don’t want to do that with you, Haru. I want to work at this, one day at a time. I... I know I'll probably fuck it up so many times... and I’ll need your help to hold myself accountable, but... I'd like to show you forever that way… if that’s okay with you."

Haru sniffles and nods against his shoulder.

“I love—you, Aki," he says, his voice catching on a hiccup. "Please don’t go like that again.”

Akihiko’s heart warms with affection, and he rubs soothingly between Haru's shoulder blades.

“I won’t. I’m sorry.”

When Haru pulls away to wipe at the tears on his face, Akihiko notices Haru's clothes are almost as soaked through as his are. He laughs.

“Guess I should’ve waited for those dry clothes,” he murmurs, quickly peeling his shirt off.

After he drops it on the welcome mat, Haru yanks his own shirt off. 

“I have a better idea,” Haru says with a gruff breath, eyes half-lidded as he closes the distance between them.

He captures Akihiko’s mouth in a searing kiss that sends sparks down his spine. Akihiko weaves his fingers into his hair, panting with desire as Haru's hands work his jeans open.

Later, Akihiko rests his cheek on Haru’s sticky chest, listening to the gradual slow of his boyfriend's heartbeat between heaving breaths. His eyelids droop as Haru’s nails draw gentle lines along his back. Then Haru presses a kiss to the top of his head, still a bit out of breath as he speaks softly into his hair. 

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me too, you know?”

Akihiko smiles into his skin. “Really?”

“Mm,” Haru confirms quietly. “My bakery will thrive thanks to your pretty face.”

Akihiko huffs out a laugh and rises to meet Haru’s gaze with a mock glare.

Haru’s expression holds so much warmth and fondness, it makes Akihiko’s heart stutter.

So instead of the smartass response he was originally going to say, he pulls Haru in for a slow, sated kiss. And when he feels Haru smile against his lips, Akihiko knows he wouldn’t trade these earnest, precious moments with him for all the promises in the world.


End file.
